I mean you order one glass dildo...

So last week I went to get my mail. Normally, geting my mail is a mundane chore as interesting things rarely happen to show up. Most of my friends and family contact me via email and my bills are all paid online. I really only even check the mail because if I don't the box overflows and the mailman sends me nasty vibes.

While going through the usual "trash the circulars" routine, I noticed a rather thick envelope addressed to me. The envelope itself was nondescript; the return address was a company address I'd never heard of before; the package looked rather boring. Getting excited that something was actually in my mailbox with my name, I tossed it in my purse to open later.

Later that evening, while cleaning out my purse, the envelope tumbled out. Haven forgotten about it, the envelope now because the sole cause of my curiousity. So, after checking it for grease spots, listening for evidence of ticking and acquiring a gas mask in case a suspicious white powder dusted out, I opened it.

Two thick circulars of porn fell out.

Like, porn.

Real hard core porn. Seriously. Like mail order, circulars of porn.

I looked back at the address and it was addressed to me. My eyebrow raised. Why was I getting porn through the mail? I hadn't ordered any porn, purchased any videos or subscribed to any magazines. What list could my name possibly be on that would allow the sender to think that I'd be interested in mail order pornl? And, even if I were interested, didn't the sender know that only dummies actually pay for porn these days? Everyone knows that the only reason the internet was even created was to allow free porn to be sent to the masses, one click, one web address, one late night at a time.

Anyway, I threw the circulars away. But, my thoughts were still clouded with why I had ended up with circulars of porn.

I let it go. I checked my bank account and credit cards to see if someone had purchased porn without my knowledge or consent. No such charges existed.

My friends thought it was hilariously funny.

A few days went by and I was still trying to figure out why I'm getting special packages in the mail. Then, it dawned on me. My birthday. I'd ordered a special present for myself at adamandeve.com, the leading online retailer of special presents. Those bastards.

One special present to celebrate turning 30 and all of a sudden I"m the recipient of mail order porn circulars? My God. Is nothing sacred these days?

So, friends, I offer this as a warning: If you choose to indulge and purchase a special present for yourself, get prepared to get circulars in the mail. Sigh. Big Brother is watching.