The Good Nigger

Today something happened that shocked and disgusted me. What shocked and disgusted me, however, was not the incident itself, but my reaction (or lack thereof) to it.

I have a neighbor that I rarely see: I've seen her probably three times since I moved to Vegas. The few times I've seen her, she has been incredibly polite and cordial. We've exchanged pleasantries as we passed each other going to our respective apartments. I don't know her name and I'm not quite sure exactly which complex she lives in. I do not know if she is married or has children. If know if she shops at Walmart or Target; I don't know if she has pets; I don't know what time she goes to work or when she comes in.

When I saw her today, I gave the standard "Happy New Years" on my way from my car to the apartment. She returned the greeting and continued with letting me know how tired she was from working last night. She let me know that she was a cab driver and has been on for twelve years. The rest of the conversation was like this:

"Last night sure was bad. I remember the days when I would make $200-$300 on New Years. Last night I only made $120 and $30 of that went to the cab company. And then, to top if off, this Black man stiffed me. I felt really bad for the guy because he looked really sick when he got into the cab. I offered him some aspirin, but he didn't want it. Then, after I drove him around and dropped him of, this jigaboo jumped out of the cab and ran off like he was straight from the jungle."

The conversation was slightly modified...but it remains pretty true to its original form. I am sure of the last sentence.

The comment was horrible. It was insulting. It was crushing. It was embarrassing. It was devastating. It was demeaning. It was defining.

But, worse than the comment itself was my reaction--or relative lack thereof.

I stood there, in shock and awe, a deer in headlights, completely stunned. Words escaped me. I finally followed up with a sure response of "you can't judge all black people by this one guy." Even that took a fair amount of thought and crafting.

When I'm with friends, we sometimes have the "If __________ happened to me, I'd ____________." We then fill in the respective blanks with chests puffed out far, chins lifted in defiant indignation with comments like "I wouldn't even take that shit. Couldn't nobody say that to me. She don't know who I am." And that would be it We would then feel good about knowing that in the face of blatant racism we would definitely not "take that shit."

But I did.

I took it and it embarrassed and humiliated me-not the comment, but my reaction.

For the second time in 12 days, I have listened--relatively silently, as Black men are demeaned--me, the good nigger.

I'm prepared for what to do if an unexpected guest comes to my door at 10:00 pm: I threaten to have him meet the other side of a 9mm while my fingers are geared at an emergency call on my cell. I'm prepared for what to do if there is a fire: I call 911. I am prepared for what to do if my car gets a flat tire: I call AAA, of worse comes to worse, I change the tire. I am not prepared for blatant acts of racism. I thought I was.

During the past school year, I've been called "colored" by a student: we had a long discussion about the inapproiateness of the term. I've been called "buckwheat" by a co-worker I'm actually close to: after a few days of thoughtful reflection she and I had a long and open discussion. I've listened to teachers say "those kids from the other school...you know, the ghetto kids from the ghetto school we're getting this year": I've responded by standing up for those kids in unlikely places and becoming an ally for many of them. Those things, I've handled fairly well...but they involved people and places in my comfort zone.

So, how does one respond? I don't want the quintessential proud response of "I wouldn't take that shit." Hell, maybe you wouldn't. I'm impressed. But, for those of us who know that the real response will be different from the Utopian response, please shed some insight. I need a response to have handy so the next time (and I'm sure there will be one) I will not be the deer in headlights.

Second, how can I continue to not become what is most disgusting to me? How do I continue to not let incidents like these chip slowly away from my sense of decency, and honor and fairness?