If you ever come to Vegas, one of the following will happen: you'll end up naked, drunk, poor and extraordinarily happy on the curb in front of Ceasar's Palace of you'll visit one of Vegas many buffets. For your sake, I hope you fall into the trap of the latter, as I did last night, instead of the former.
My sister Maegs came to visit me over the weekend. Yesterday, as we were trolling the strip, we decided to indulge in a seafood buffet. My friend Monica, who was with us, mentioned that she knew of the best buffet on the strip: It is called the best because it serves both unlimited crab and lobster.
So we went. We indulged. We sighed contentendly when it was over.
So for you, faithful readers, I have decided to put together a list of things to do when you visit the buffet. (I would give a list of what to do when you find yourself naked on that street corner, but the most I can say is "suffer with dignity.")
1. Do your research. There are literally hundreds of buffets in Vegas, but they all won't have what you want. Nothing is worse than paying for a balut buffet. (If you don't know what balut is, I highly, highly, highly encourage you to stop reading now and look it up.)
2. Put a roll of toilet paper in your purse/knapsack.
3. Decide how much you want to spend. Yes, you can get a $20 all-you-can eat buffet, but for $10 more you can have steak, shrimp and lobster at some buffets. It's worth the cost.
4. DO NOT EAT for at least three hours before you go to the buffet. This will encourage your stomach to expand slightly, as it will expect food to be coming. If you wait 4 or more hours, you run the risk of getting really hungry and spoiling your buffet appetitie.
4. Wear stretchy pants. No jeans.
5. Wear comfortable shoes. No heels. When it's time to do a cattle run to the opening line, you want to be prepared to either fight or flight. Heels will keep you from doing either well.
6. Get to the line 45 minutes before the buffet opens. Any later than that and you run the risk of being in line for an hour or more.
7. When you get inside, do NOT get distracted by the buffet distrators: bread, pasta and rice. Your stomach will be starting to growl, especially if you have waited the mandated 3 hours. Casino buffets know this and they will place a table of heaping, hot, steamy, fresh bread before the real food. Bread spreads in your stomach and will suck up room for other things.
8. Send a friend to the steak line, the lobster line and the crab line. Each of you is to pile up the largest plate with the largest and hottest and goodest foods possible. Many people make the mistake of going to each line indivually--that is another distractor. Good eatin' time will be wasted by bad waitin' time.
9. Converge at the table. Eat, but do not gorge. Your stomach will be shocked at first. Pacing is necessary at the first round. You don't want to be knocked out the gate because of a preventable stomach cramp.
10. Rest for a few minutes. Send a scout to refill the most pertinent items.
11. Rotate scouts for the rest of the time.
12. At this point, you will probably be sick. Your stomach will be protruding from you and pushing gently against the table. You, however, greedy bastard that you are, will not stop. You will attempt to shove one last crab leg, one last lobster tail, one last shrimp cocktail into your mouth. DO NOT.
13. When you ignore #12 and do have that last crab leg, lobster tail or shrimp cocktail, you will be sick.
14. Be thankful for #2.
15. Meet your friends outside after you have found the closest restroom and have done #2. *The restroom will be filled with other greedy bastards like you. Expect to wait.
Vegas buffets are the temptresses of the casinos. Do not be lured into one unprepared.
*M*
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2 comments:
You make me laugh!
This was so hilarious!
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